The Hoser

April, 2006		Weather: If you feel stuff falling from the sky, better check to make sure it's rain, cause there's also a lot of birds flying around too, eh!
Vol. 9, No. 7

Landscaping Consultants

by Bob McKenzie, Editor

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor

Bob	Okay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
Doug	How's it goin', eh?
Bob	So good day, we just started new jobs!
Doug	Yeah, we were watching the TV right and there was this show eh and on it they were going around to people's houses and showing them what colours of paint to use on their walls and how to install bathroom sinks and stuff but we decided we weren't any good at that sort of stuff right so we realized that we were much better at mowing our lawn cause our dad always tells us to so we're now landscaping consultants, eh!
Bob	Beauty.
Doug	Yeah.
Bob	Okay, we're in the van, driving around looking for work.
Doug	We got one of those magnetic signs, right? So our phone number is on the side of the van and everything.
Bob	Yeah, too bad there's no one home to take the call.
Doug	Geez. One of us should get a cell phone, eh!
Bob	No way! They're too small nowadays, you'll make a call and end up swallowing it like you almost did with that beer cap last week.
Doug	Well fortunately beer caps are very crunchy. I think I chipped a tooth.
Bob	So anyway, it's still early spring and it's the perfect time to start working on your yard. If you're wondering where to put that tree, or how to build one of those little rock guys that the Eskimos make...
Doug	And you know those bushel baskets that are turned on their side and have the flowers growing out of them?
Bob	Yeah?
Doug	We can do those, too.
Bob	Beauty.
Doug	We're very versatile.
Bob	Yeah. See anyone who needs...
Doug	How about that guy? (points to an upcoming house where a man is digging a hole to plant a tree)
Bob	Oh, beauty!
Doug	Pull over. (Bob does, and they get out)
Man	Hey, nice day, isn't it?
Bob	I know, it's a beauty, eh!
Man	Can I help you with something?
Doug	No, but maybe we can help you. See, we're landscaping consultants, and we can tell you the perfect location to place that tree.
Man	Actually, I've already got the hole started. But I'm thinking of doing some other work on the lawn. Do you two have a business card?
Bob	Uh...
Doug	No.
Bob	Wha?
Doug	We had some uh, issues with our publish... uh, printer. Printing company.
Bob	Yeah, yeah.
Doug	They hosed us by printing our names backwards. Or something.
Bob	That's it, and we refused to pay them.
Doug	Yeah.
Bob	But you can have this. (he removes the magnetic sign from the van)
Doug	What? No, take off! That's our sign!
Bob	But he needs our number to...
Doug	We need that to advertise our business!
Man	(writing on a small piece of paper) Look, it's alright, I've already got your number.
Doug	Oh.
Bob	Oh. Okay then.
Doug	Let's go. We'll be hearing from you real soon. Uh...
Bob	Yeah. (they get in the van and drive off)
Doug	We gotta be more aggressive to get more customers.
Bob	Good call. Hey, how about that place? (he points to a house with several weeds growing in the front lawn)
Doug	Be-uty! Pull over.(they pull over and go to the back of the van) Get out the weed eater.
Bob	No way, it's out of gas!
Doug	What? Why?
Bob	I siphoned it out to fill up the van.
Doug	You nobk! That was an oil-gas mixture!
Bob	I wondered why the van was producing more smoke than usual today.
Doug	I didn't notice. Just hand me that gas can.
Bob	Nope.
Doug	Empty?
Bob	Yeah.
Doug	Okay, we'll use the mower, then.
Bob	Nope.
Doug	Does anything in here have gas? Besides us, I mean.
Bob	No way, eh! You think the small amount in the weed eater and mower could fill the van on their own?
Doug	Ah geez. Well, we'll just dig the weeds out. Hand me that shovel.
Bob	Okay. (they start to dig the weeds out, moments later the owner comes outside)
Homeowner	Hey! What the? What are you doing?!
Doug	Oh. Hi, we're from McKenzie Landscaping Consulting, and we noticed these weeds in your front lawn and decided to help you out by removing them...
Homeowner	That's not a weed, you idiots! It's a rare decorative grass that only grows in the desert! Do you realize how much it cost to have it imported and planted here?!
Doug	Well, you'll find our rates are quite competitive, we can replant it but it'll probably take an hour or...
Homeowner	You're charging me!? Get off my lawn! Just (he grabs the shovel from Bob's hands) get out of here! (he threatens them with it)
Bob	Geez, let's get out of here, eh! (they run to the van and get in)
Doug	(rolling down the window) We'll send you an bill for the work we've already done!
Bob	No charge for the shovel, though!
SFX	WHAM! (the shovel hits the side of the van and wedges in it like a spear)
Doug	Oh beauty, he gave it back.
Bob	We should give him a discount.
Doug	Yeah.
SFX	rain on the windshield
Bob	Hey, look. It's raining.
Doug	We can't do landscaping if it's raining!
Bob	Yeah, you know what this means!
Together	We get the rest of the day off!

	CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION.

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