March, 2006 | Weather: If you've got two soakers don't worry, it's just March and the snow's melting and it means it's time to get new boots, eh? | |
Vol. 9, No. 6 |
by Bob McKenzie, Editor
-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor
Bob | Okay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug. |
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Doug | How's it goin', eh? |
Bob | So welcome to The Hoser, and... oh wait, start over! |
Doug | Wha? Why?! |
Bob | We gotta do this right. |
Doug | Huh? |
Bob | So, uh. Okay. Good day, I'm Mister Fix-It, and this is my brother Doug. |
Doug | Oh yeah. How's it goin', eh? I'm Doug Fix-It. |
Bob | Beauty. So if you're wondering why I'm Mister Fix-It, it's cause we're doin' house repairs now. |
Doug | And just so you know, I'm Doctor Fix-It. That's better than Mister but I'm modest so I just call myself Doug. |
Bob | Yeah, right. So anyway, we're here in the bathroom.... |
Doug | Yeah, it's finally come to this. We're doin' the show from a bathroom. |
Bob | At least it's ours. |
Doug | Beauty. |
Bob | So Doctor Fix-It, tell everyone why we're doin' house repairs. |
Doug | Okay. So the tap in the sink's leaking right but since we always use this bathroom cause it's closest to our bedroom eh our dad decided that it was our fault and we should fix it but we called a plumber and we'd have to give up beer for a month to pay for it so we went down to the hardware store and got all the stuff we need to fix a sink and we're gonna do it ourselves, eh! |
Bob | Wow. Beauty run-on. |
Doug | Yeah, I gotta catch my breath. |
Bob | So... what he said. |
Doug | Thanks. |
Bob | You can't see us, so I'm gonna describe what Doug's doing as he starts the repair job. |
Doug | Wha? Wait a minute. Me?! I thought you were gonna do it! |
Bob | No way, eh! |
Doug | But you're Mister Fix-It! |
Bob | You're Doctor Fix-It! |
Doug | Ah geez. |
Bob | Get under there. So Doug's goin' under the sink, he's gonna remove the pipe or something. |
Doug | (reaching under sink) So what am I looking for, here? |
Bob | I don't know. |
Doug | Some Mister Fix-It you are! Hand me that wrench. |
Bob | What're you gonna do? Use it as a hammer? (hands it to Doug) |
Doug | Yeah, on your leg! |
SFX | WHACK |
Bob | Ow, geez! (grabs his knee and jumps around) |
Doug | That's for passing yourself off as an expert on... |
SFX | Water spraying |
Doug | AW! GEEZ! WHAT?!! |
Bob | Holy geez! |
Doug | AAUUGGHH!! |
Bob | Maybe we shoulda turned the water off first, eh! |
Doug | (emerging from under the sink, which is no longer spraying water) Yeah, maybe. |
Bob | Wow! Wethead! Towel off. |
Doug | I would, except the towel's soaked, too. Oh man, I got water in my ears. |
Bob | Your ears? It'll be the first time they've been clean in decades. |
Doug | Yeah, well I worry about my hearing and don't want to clean them out too often otherwise I won't be able to listen to music at high volumes. |
Bob | Beauty. |
Doug | Okay, that was an example of what not to do. Now Mister Fix-It is going to show what he's learned and do it right. |
Bob | What? |
Doug | Get under there. |
Bob | Aw geez. Can't we just use a plunger or something? |
Doug | Okay, we'll go back to the hardware store and get one of those tiny plungers that fits in sinks and tiny toilets from uh, England, and then we'll use it upside down to try to get the tap to stop leaking. |
Bob | Beauty, eh! Let's dry off and go! |
Doug | No way, eh! I was just joking. |
Bob | Well our readers don't know that. |
Doug | So? Get down there and fix it. |
Bob | Aw geez. Okay, okay. So hand me that wrench. |
Doug | You better not use it on my leg. |
Bob | No, I'm not gonna, I want to use it on this washer here. |
Doug | Okay, I'm watching you, though. |
Bob | Don't worry, I just want to undo it a bit so I can see where the leak is. |
Doug | Okay! (hands him the wrench) |
SFX | WHACK |
Doug | Ah! Sonofa! |
Bob | That's for hittin' me earlier, you hoser. |
Doug | Take off, eh! I need this leg to drive the van to the beer store! |
Bob | Yeah, well I'll... |
Doug | Hey! |
Bob | What? |
Doug | The tap's not leaking. |
Bob | What? (emerges from under sink and looks) Wow, see? I told you I could fix it. That's why I'm called Mister Fix-It. |
Doug | Yeah, well I'm Doctor Fix-It. |
Bob | Your degree must have been honourary, look how I fixed it and you just got soak... |
SFX | Water spraying |
Bob | AAUUGGHH!! |
CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION. |
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The Hoser |
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BobNET NewsMy main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie. |
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