| August, 2006 |  |
Weather: Sudden storms can develop this month and not only are they powerful enough to tear down trees and telephone poles, but also to move cases of beer stored outside into your neighbour's yard, where he'll claim they're his! So store your beer indoors, preferably in the fridge, eh! |
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| Vol. 9, No. 11 |
by Doug McKenzie, Editor 
-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 
| Bob | Okay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug. |
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| Doug | How's it goin', eh? |
| Bob | So good day, and welcome to our barbershop! |
| Doug | Beauty shop, eh! And check out our barber pole! (he points to a beer bottle on a record turntable) |
| Bob | Yeah, so tell the people how we got our barbershop. |
| Doug | Okay, here goes. We used to go to this barber downtown here eh and we'd talk about the latest beers or donuts or how cops hang out at donut shops and give us tickets when we're in the barbershop instead of fighting crime like our taxes pay for or would if we actually paid them, eh? |
| Bob | Right, but then what happened? |
| Doug | Our barber retired! |
| Bob | What a hoser! Putting his enjoyment ahead of our hair! |
| Doug | So now he's in Florida and we're still here. And that was the only barbershop in town! |
| Bob | All the rest are hairstylists! |
| Doug | Yeah, they use conditioners and blow dryers and stuff! |
| Bob | Which is overkill for Doug, cause he only washes his hair once a week. |
| Doug | Yeah, well it's more often than you, Mr. Once-a-month! |
| Bob | Hey, I'm a very nice smelling guy, and save water and therefore the environment by only taking a bath once every few weeks. |
| Doug | Saving the environment? More like polluting it with your garbage breath! |
| Bob | Take off, eh! |
| Doug | You take off! |
| Bob | I'll breathe on you! |
| Doug | Okay, okay! |
| Bob | I win, eh! |
| Doug | Hoser. |
| Bob | So anyway, now we gotta start our own barbershop. |
| Doug | Yeah, so welcome to it. We bought the chairs from our old barber when he went out of business. |
| Bob | Well, actually, we took them from his store after... |
| Doug | Shhhh! |
| Bob | Oh, right. He gave them to us. |
| Doug | Beauty, eh! And we got the scissors and razors too. |
| Bob | Now all we need is a barber to cut peoples' hair! |
| Doug | What do you mean? We can do it! |
| Bob | No way, take off! You gotta go to barbering school to learn how to cut hair properly! |
| Doug | Barbering school? |
| Bob | Okay, well maybe it's not called that, but beautician... no wait. |
| Doug | That's where the hairstylists go to school. |
| Bob | Well anyway, you gotta learn how not to stick a pair of scissors into your customer's head either by accident or on purpose, eh? |
| Doug | Yeah, well I can understand why a barber would want to stick sharp objects into your pointy head. |
| Bob | Geez. |
| Doug | But I won't cause you're my only brother, eh! So sit in the chair and I'll demonstrate how to give a haircut without going to barbering school! |
| Bob | Aw geez. |
| Doug | Naw, just get in the chair, it'll be alright. |
| Bob | No way. |
| Doug | I'll buy the next case of beer. |
| Bob | Oh all right. (he gets into the chair and removes his tuque) |
| Doug | (picking up scissors) Okay, now the technique is to just trim a little bit off the sides. (starts cutting Bob's hair) |
| Bob | What're you doin'?! |
| Doug | Just hold still and we won't... uh oh. |
| Bob | Whaddya mean "uh oh"? |
| Doug | Nothing, I just cut one or two hairs a little shorter than I wanted to. I'll just fix it with these. (he puts the scissors down and starts the razor) |
| SFX | razor buzzing |
| Bob | What the?! Take off! |
| Doug | Hold still, eh! |
| Bob | I musta been real drunk to get in this chair for you! |
| Doug | You were! Stop moving! |
| Bob | You're gonna... |
| Doug | Oops. (turns off razor) |
| Bob | What the?! |
| Doug | Nevermind, it doesn't look that bad. |
| Bob | Did it just get colder in here? |
| Doug | I didn't notice anything. |
| Bob | Gimme a mirror! |
| Doug | Uh. Oh, I knew we forgot to take something from the shop. Hold on, I'll find one. (he leaves the room) |
| Bob | What the... my hair! (he reaches up and finds a small bald spot cut by Doug) |
| Doug | (re-entering the room) What's all the shouting? I said it didn't look too bad! |
| Bob | You're makin' me go bald! |
| Doug | At your age I'm surprised you aren't already! |
| Bob | Wha... hey! You're older than me! |
| Doug | Oh yeah. Well don't worry, it'll grow out. Maybe. |
| Bob | You made me go bald, you hoser! Gimme those clippers! (reaches for the razor) |
| Doug | (grabs them and defensively moves on the opposite side of the chair from Bob) Wha? No way! I told you I'd buy a case of beer! |
| Bob | Yeah, well... c'mere! |
| Doug | What? No! Why? |
| Bob | I'm gonna garbage-breath you! |
| Doug | Take off! |
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The Hoser |
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BobNET NewsMy main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie. |
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