The Hoser

June, 2002		Weather: Okay, there's like a calendar on the wall here and it says summer starts this month so it's probably gonna be warm, eh?
Vol. 5, No. 9

Lawn Mowing

by Doug McKenzie, Editor

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor

Bob	Good day, and welcome to the Hoser. I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug.
Doug	Good day, eh!
Bob	Okay, right like last week we went to our dad for some beer money and he says "take off, eh! If you did some work around here maybe I'd give you money for beer."
Doug	Yeah, so I said, like "what work?" I thought it was funny.
Bob	Dad didn't.
Doug	Right. So he said to mow the lawn, or something, and then kicked us out of the house into the garage.
Bob	And there was no beer there, so we had to actually work.
Doug	Right. So hosehead over here found a pair of scissors and was going to use that to cut the grass.
Bob	We have a small lawn, eh!
Doug	Not that small! So we're looking around, and we find this old lawn mower, right?
Bob	But it didn't work.
Doug	No, it was out of gas, eh!
Bob	Did you just fart?
Doug	No.
SFX	(Doug farting)
Bob	AW GEEZ!
Doug	Now that was a fart.
Bob	Hoser.
Doug	If only I did that back then we would have had enough gas for the lawn mower.
Bob	YOU STINK!
Doug	So right, like we needed gas and we had no money but fortunately I always keep a siphon in the van cause like you never know when you're gonna need it, eh!
Bob	Geez. I gotta open a window. (leaves)
Doug	And then like I sucked some gas out of the van and into the lawn mower but spilled some all over the floor right? (Bob returns) So then I had to clean that up and all the while Bob here is in the van listening to music and not helping me or anything.
Bob	I didn't know you were siphoning gas. I thought we were gonna use beer to power the lawn mower cause like it has alcohol in it that burns like gas, eh?
Doug	Did you learn that from Star Trek?
Bob	Um. Yeah! Hey, hoser.
Doug	What?
Bob	You ever notice how like in Star Trek there's no grass or plants or anything?
Doug	Planets? There's lots of planets in Star Trek.
Bob	Wha? No, plants you nobk! Like those green things that mom sometimes cooks but we never eat.
Doug	So like vegetables, then?
Bob	Yeah. So anyway, why was there no grass on Star Trek? The original one. I think maybe in The Next Generation the robot guy mowed the lawn in space or something.
Doug	I don't remember that episode. But yeah, there's no grass cause it's hard to grow grass in space cause like there's no sun or gravity or anything.
Bob	Okay.
Doug	And no lawn mowers. You ever see a lawn mower on the original Star Trek? I don't think so.
Bob	He's a genius, eh?
Doug	Yeah. Okay, where was I?
Bob	Um. You were talking about putting gas in the lawn mower.
Doug	Oh right. So after I clean up the spilled gas in the garage hosehead over here gets out of the van and decides to push the mower.
Bob	I did all the work, eh!
Doug	Take off. So he pushes the mower right into the neighbour's backyard. I don't think their kid was too happy when his swimming pool went flying across the yard in three pieces.
Bob	I didn't see it, eh?
Doug	How could you miss? It was six feet around and bright pink!
Bob	Yeah, well maybe I'm colourblind, eh? Or maybe it was the fumes from the gas you spilled.
Doug	Oh yeah. That reminds me.
Bob	What?
SFX	(Doug farts again)
Bob	AW! YOU HOSER!

Ok, right now SCTV is only on in Canada on the Comedy Network. If you like live in the states, then you're hosed, eh? They were showing it, but now it's gone, so you're gonna have to watch it on tape or imagine it's still on or whatever. But if you live in Canada, then you should be watching the episodes, eh! Cause like it might go off the air here sometime too. Either way, go check the SCTV News page or SCTV: On The Air! to find the air times, or in case something changed, eh?!

	CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION.

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