The Hoser

October, 2000		Weather: Now that the hockey season's starting, and the arena's open, take the empties out of your equipment bag. Then fill it with bleach to get the stink out.
Vol. 4, No. 1

Bob and Doug Invent The Internet

by Doug McKenzie, Editor

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor

Bob	Good day, welcome to the Hoser.
Doug	How's it goin', eh?
Bob	Uh... it's goin' pretty good.
Doug	Ok. You want a beer?
Bob	Sure.
Doug	Here, have two. (hands two beers over)
Bob	Wow, you're being nice... Hey! These are empty!
Doug	You didn't say you wanted full ones.
Bob	Hoser. Where's the beer?
Doug	Uh, there's none left. I'll have to go get a new case out of the van.
Bob	Ok. We keep the beer in the van in the fall, cause it saves electricity costs for the beer fridge. I'll start the topic, eh?
Doug	Ok, I'll be back, with beer! (leaves)
Bob	Good. The topic today is the Internet, and how we invented it.
Doug	(in background) Yeah, the Internet! Take off!
Bob	Geez. Go get some beer! Anyway, a long time ago, in a galaxy far away... No, that's not right. A long time ago, my brother Doug and I came up with this idea of using computers and an electronic network to communicate over vast distances. We wanted to link every city in Canada, so we could, like, order back bacon from... uh... Lethbridge, and have it delivered to us the next day. It was a beauty idea. Doug wanted to order beer, but I hadn't started drinking it, yet. That was a long time ago.
Doug	(returning) Are you telling the Internet story again?
Bob	Yeah. I'm just getting to the reason we never finished working on it.
Doug	Beauty. (opens case, takes out beer, and hands it to Bob)
Bob	You know why? Right after I tell him my idea, he hands me a beer, like this, eh? So, like, what am I supposed to do? Drink it, eh? So I chug the beer...
Doug	And then he puked!
Bob	Take off. I did puke, though. But I drank another one to get the taste of puke breath out of my mouth.
Doug	Then he puked again!
Bob	TAKE OFF!
Doug	He drank, like, six beers - and this was his first time having it, too. Talk about a real Canadian. I only drank five on my first try. I only puked once, though.
Bob	Hoser. Anyway, that's why I never finished the Internet.
Doug	Those university guys in the States and England and France, they don't know what they're talking about. They didn't invent it, we did.
Bob	Yeah, they stole the idea from us. The hosers. And now no one uses it to order back bacon.
Doug	Or beer. Maybe we should come up with a new invention.
Bob	Not anything like your last invention. I still can't wear my skates, eh?
Doug	Don't worry, the hockey season only just started.
Bob	Ok. What was your idea?
Doug	Ok. Send people beers, over the Internet.
Bob	That's it?
Doug	Yeah! We'll call it "E-Beer"!
Bob	Boy, talk about cheezwiz!
Doug	No, really! It's a great idea! We take orders, and mail people a case of whatever they want!
Bob	Geez. That's illegal, you hoser! It's in the Canadian Criminal Code.
Doug	Well, then we won't advertise so the cops won't know.
Bob	Then how will people find us?
Doug	Uh. Well, I'll think of something. Hand me my tuque.
Bob	Why? It's not cold out.
Doug	It's my thinking tuque. (reaches in case and grabs a beer) And here's my thinking beer.
Bob	Well, there goes that idea down the drain. In the meantime, someone's gonna steal it, too. Hand me a beer.
Doug	Ok. (hands Bob another beer) Don't puke, eh?
Bob	Hose off!

Three Years Of The Hoser

Bob	Geez. Three years. Has it been that long, hosehead?
Doug	Yeah. We wrote a lot, and drank a lot. Well, we didn't write that much.
Bob	But we did drink a lot.
Doug	Yeah. Now that we've started our fourth year, what are we gonna do?
Bob	Have more beer!
Doug	Sounds beauty to me. Good day.
Bob	Good day, eh?

We promised these, like, a year ago. Or two years ago. Or something. It's been too long. So this month, we're not adding some weird program to send them out for us like we wanted to, we're just putting them up as they are. We'll fix them later. Maybe. Good day, eh?

SCTV Reruns

Good day. The fine folks at The Comedy Network in Canada are still showing the syndicated episodes of SCTV, sometimes two a day. Check out the SCTV page for more info, eh?

Action Figures

The Bob and Doug McKenzie "action figures" have been out since July. Look for them at your local comic book store, or if you don't have one, go to Spawn Toys and order them over then internet, eh?

	CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION.

Bob and Doug Invent The Internet

Three Years Of The Hoser

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SCTV Reruns

Action Figures

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