August, 2000 | Weather: It gets real humid in August, so sit in the air conditioned 24-hour donut place 23 hours a day. Use the other hour to visit the air conditioned beer store. | |
Vol. 3, No. 11 |
by Bob McKenzie, Editor
-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor
Bob | Okay, good day, welcome to the Hoser. |
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Doug | Howzit goin', eh? |
Bob | Okay. Last month, we did "How To Speak Canadian", eh? |
Doug | Yeah, cause it's a real language, and we speak it. |
Bob | It sounds like English, but it's not. Okay, go, hoser. |
Doug | Where did we leave off last time? |
Bob | Uh, I believe you were explaining how the Canadian heritage, landscape, and economy have all contributed to the shaping of our language. |
Doug | Take off, eh? You're trying to hose me by making me look dumb! |
Bob | That's not too hard, eh? |
Doug | Okay, then! Fine! You can do the rest of the topic in French! |
Bob | Oh, beauty! For those of you who are from, like, France, French is Canada's other official language. |
Doug | Beauty one. France. French. Neat. |
Bob | Yeah, well, sometimes we combine the two. Give an example, Doug. |
Doug | Bonjour, eh? Welcome to Canada! |
You | That was almost all English, Doug. |
Doug | No, the only words in English were "welcome" and "to", eh? |
Bob | Nice. Okay. Canadian words. We already said "beauty" and "eh?", but what about others? |
Doug | Others? |
Bob | Yeah, like "chesterfield". |
Doug | Okay, folks. A chesterfield is a field owned by a guy named Chester. SNORK! |
You | No it isn't, Doug. A chesterfield is a couch! |
Bob | Yeah, even our readers think you're a dummy. |
Doug | Take off. Okay, a chesterfield is a couch, or sofa, if you will. |
Bob | Okay, more words. "Puck". |
Doug | I thought you said we don't say those words on TV or the internet. |
Bob | No, you're thinking of something else. I meant a hockey puck. |
Doug | Oh, you should've said so, eh? We've got lots of words from hockey, cause hockey's our national sport, eh? |
Bob | Our national winter sport. |
Doug | What's the summer sport? |
Bob | Uh. Curling, I think. |
You | Take off, Bob! It's lacrosse! |
Bob | Lacrosse? We've finished the French part of the topic, eh? |
Doug | No, it's a real game. There's a team in Toronto, eh? |
Bob | Where's the other teams? |
Doug | Somewhere in the States. |
Bob | Well, that's Cheez Whiz! How come it's our official summer sport, but we've got only one team! |
Doug | Someone goofed. Weren't we talking about hockey? |
Bob | Yeah, until the reader confused us with lacrosse, eh? |
Doug | Yeah, reader! Take off! |
You | Ok, but then no one will be reading The Hoser. |
Bob | No, wait! Come back! |
You | Only if you promise not to tell me to take off again. |
Bob | Ok. Deal. |
Doug | Good. There's lots of words in Canadian from hockey. I don't think there's too many from lacrosse, though. |
Bob | Yeah, like "puck" and "faceoff" and "slapshot" and "centre ice". |
Doug | "Centre ice", not "the neutral zone", eh? |
Bob | Beauty! Explain these words to our non-Canadian readers. |
Doug | Okay, a "puck" is a thick but small disc that really hurts when you get hit in the face by one when you're not wearing a mask. |
Bob | Yeah, next time I'll wear a mask when I play goalie. |
Doug | There's another word, "goalie". He's the guy who sits in the net, and blocks all the pucks from going in. |
Bob | We wear lots of padding, eh? And have a big stick, so we can block the puck, and hit other players harder. |
Doug | Yeah. Remember the game we played with the guys at the looney bin? |
Bob | That was 17 years ago! |
Doug | And about 17 000 beers ago. Remember my Darth Vader impression? |
You | Everyone remembers that, Doug. |
Doug | Ok, then there's no need to do it now. |
Bob | Good. |
Doug | Are we done? |
Bob | No, we didn't mention pronounciation! |
Doug | Oh, sorry. We don't pronounce it "aboot". Good day. |
You | Good day, eh? |
Bob | No, we're still not done! What aboot... uh, about spelling, eh? |
Doug | What about it? Colour has a "u", centre ends with "re", not "er", which I believe is a TV show, and you put "tires" on the van, not "tyres". |
Bob | Beauty. Now we're done. |
You | GOOD! |
Doug | Hey! Take off! |
You | Don't mind if I do! |
Bob | Okay, now look what you did. All our readers have left. |
Doug | That's okay. They'll be back! They always come back! |
Bob | Sounds like an Oscar winning performance. |
Doug | In Canada, they hand out Genie awards for acting. |
Bob | Well, neither of us our going to get one. |
Doug | Probably not. |
Bob | Okay, if there's any readers left, good day. |
Doug | Good day, eh? |
You | Good day, eh? |
Doug | Are you still here? We're done, you can leave now. Get out! Take off! |
You | You guys take off, eh? |
by Bob and Doug McKenzie
As a bonus, here's last month's article for those that missed it:
Bob | Okay, good day, welcome to the Hoser. |
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Doug | Howzit goin', eh? |
Bob | Today the topic is the Canadian language. |
Doug | Yeah, people think that Canadians speak English. But, like, we don't, eh? |
Bob | Yeah, it's like a dialect, eh? It sounds like English, and you can probably understand us if you're not from the Great White North. But we're not speaking English. |
Doug | Neat, eh? Go, hoser. |
Bob | There's a good one. Canadians are real polite, eh? So when you want to insult a guy without swearing or something, just call him a "hoser". |
Doug | And we say "take off" instead of other things. |
Bob | Well, we say that when we're on TV or movies or internet. |
Doug | Yeah, well, I'll have to wash your mouth out with soap later. |
Bob | Take off! I mean... |
Doug | Oh, good example of the common usage, eh? |
Bob | Beauty. |
Doug | There's another one. |
Bob | Wha? Oh. "Beauty" is another word we use. |
Doug | What's it mean? |
Bob | Uh. I'm not sure, but it's neat. Repeat after me, folks. Say "beauty". |
You | Beauty. |
Bob | Ok, I knew you could. |
Doug | Suddenly this has become "You Are Our Guest, Part II". |
Bob | Yeah, we got the readers to say "beauty". |
Doug | Ok, I've got one! Look under there, eh? |
You | Under where, Doug? |
Doug | SNORK! I just got you to say "underwear"! |
Bob | Geez. How old are you? |
Doug | Old enough to drink, that's all I know. |
Bob | Yeah, right. What else do Canadians say? |
Doug | Eh? |
Bob | I said, what else do Canadians say? |
Doug | I heard you. I say "eh?" |
Bob | Eh? Oh, eh?! |
Doug | Yeah. You may have noticed that we occasionally insert the word "eh?" at the end of our sentences, eh? |
You | Occasionally, Doug? |
Doug | Ok, maybe it's more than that, eh? Um... |
Bob | Yeah, but what does it mean? |
Doug | Uh, it's like "beauty", it's neat. |
Bob | Take off. It has to have a meaning, otherwise we wouldn't say it. |
Doug | Ok, well, maybe it means "my brother is a hoser." Then when I say "take off, eh?" I'm really saying "take off, my brother is a hoser". |
Bob | Could be, eh? |
Doug | Take off. Eh? |
Bob | Ok, maybe it means whatever you think it means. |
Doug | So, take it in context, eh? |
Bob | Ok. So what you meant was "take it in context, do you know what I mean?" |
Doug | Yeah, that's the English way of saying that. The Canadian way uses less syllables. |
Bob | And with the price of gas the way it is, we need to save energy by using words with less syllables, eh? |
Doug | Good one. |
Bob | Yeah. From now on, I'll talk with monosyllabic words. |
You | "Monosyllabic" has more than one syllable, Bob. |
Bob | Are you still here? |
Doug | Take off! Don't make him leave! |
Bob | Ok. Sorry. |
You | No way, you hosers. You're out of space for this month, eh? |
Doug | Hey, he's right. |
Bob | Yep. In that case, that's the topic for this month, good day. |
Doug | Good day, eh? |
Bob | Beauty idea for a topic! |
Doug | Yeah, good thing I thought of it. |
Bob | You? Yeah, right. I thought of it, alone. |
Doug | Take off! |
The Bob and Doug McKenzie "action figures" have been out for aboot... uh, about a month. Look for them at your local comic book store, or if you don't have one, go to Spawn Toys and order them over then internet, eh?
We keep promising the back issues, but they still aren't up. Fear not! The original files are still here, we just have to fix some stuff up. (Like, Doug's name was spelled "McKeznie" on the first year and a half. We also spelled tuque a whole bunch of different ways, too.)
Good day. The fine folks at The Comedy Network in Canada are still showing the syndicated episodes of SCTV, but now only a couple times a week. Check out the SCTV page for more info, eh?
Good day, eh? Any news about our new movie, our action figures, and, like, anything else about us will be posted on our News page before we put it here, eh? So, like, maybe you want to bookmark it, or something, so you'll know, like, which beer stores to go to, eh?
CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION. |
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The Hoser |
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