| September, 2007 |  |
Weather: Your neighbour's gonna want to close his swimming pool someday this month, and he's gonna want help from you since you were always over there swimming in it and drinking his beer. Make sure you're not home that day. |
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| Vol. 10, No. 12 |
by Doug McKenzie, Editor 
-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 
| Bob | Good day, and welcome to the Hoser. I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother, Doug. |
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| Doug | How's it goin'? |
| Bob | It's goin' pretty good, cause this is the 120th issue of The Hoser! |
| Doug | Wow, beauty, eh! That's like ten twelve-packs worth! |
| Bob | Yeah, or five two-fours! |
| Doug | That's a lot of beer. |
| Bob | No, take off! We're talking about issues of The Hoser, not beer. |
| Doug | Well, we drank a lot of beer while doing those. |
| Bob | Oh yeah. Probably more than 120. |
| Doug | So, uh... |
| Bob | That's twenty six-packs. |
| Doug | Six-packs? Cans or bottles? |
| Bob | What difference does it make? |
| Doug | Well cans have more, eh! |
| Bob | Oh yeah, a whole lot. Gimme that bottle. |
| Doug | No way, it's mine! |
| Bob | I'm not gonna drink it, I just wanna look at it. |
| Doug | Oh yeah, like I'm gonna believe that story, eh! |
| Bob | No, just give it to... |
| Doug | Take off. I'm gonna spit in it first. (he spits in the beer) |
| Bob | Ah, geez. (takes the beer from Doug) Three-fourty-one mill. |
| Doug | Mill? |
| Bob | Yeah. Millilitres. |
| Doug | What's cans? |
| Bob | Three-fifty-five, the same as pop cans. |
| Doug | Yeah, so uh... fourteen millilitres difference. |
| Bob | It's not that much. |
| Doug | Take off, it is too! That's like half a sip. |
| Bob | Oh wow, half a sip. |
| Doug | Well, maybe not for you, you leave part bottles all around the house all the time. But beer connoisseurs like me like to savour every last drop. |
| Bob | Connoisseur? You? |
| Doug | Yeah! |
| Bob | Okay, that's fourteen millilitres more, but cans of beer don't taste as good as bottles! |
| Doug | So? It's beer. You drink a six-pack and the rest all taste the same! |
| Bob | Okay, okay. |
| Doug | So where was I? |
| Bob | Sittin' next to me, the same place you've been for the last ten years. |
| Doug | Oh yeah, yeah, right. Ten years of writing The Hoser. |
| Bob | Wait, hold on to your tuque there, this is the September issue, eh! We always do the anniversary thing in the October issue. |
| Doug | Well, this issue's so late it may as well be the October issue. |
| Bob | Hoser. |
| Doug | So in the last ten years we've done 120 issues. That's 120 topics. |
| Bob | Oh yeah. Even more if you count the ones I came up with that you didn't want to use. |
| Doug | That's because they weren't that good. |
| Bob | Aw geez. Take off. |
| Doug | You take off. |
| Bob | No, you! |
| Doug | (spitting noise) |
| Bob | (spitting noise) |
| Doug | (inhaling boogers) |
| Bob | Okay, okay! |
| Doug | So that's 120 topics, and now we're out of ideas. |
| Bob | Yeah, so we're announcing... |
| Doug | Get out, I wanted to announce it. |
| Bob | No way, I never get to. We're announcing... |
| Both | that we're retiring at the end of this issue. |
| Bob | Ah geez, you wouldn't even let me finish. |
| Doug | So yeah, we're finally retiring, and we're gonna move to Florida. |
| Bob | Yeah, and golf all the time. |
| Doug | You can golf? |
| Bob | I've played a few games. |
| Doug | Do they all involve hitting the ball into the little windmill? |
| Bob | Yeah, so? |
| Doug | So that's mini-golf! I'm talking about real golf! |
| Bob | Mini-golf is real golf! |
| Doug | Wow, way to alienate all our golf-playing readers. |
| Bob | All two of 'em? |
| Doug | Yeah. So anyways, we're gonna start airing reruns... |
| Bob | Reruns? |
| Doug | Yeah. Remember, if you haven't read it before, it's new to you! |
| Bob | Just ignore that "back issues" link at the bottom of the page. |
| Doug | Spoiler alert! |
| Bob | Speaking of spoiled, this beer tastes off. (takes a sip) |
| Doug | Hey, take off! That's the beer I spit in! |
| Bob | (does a spit-take) Aw geez! You spit in my beer! |
| Doug | No way, that was my beer! I spit in it so you wouldn't drink it. |
| Bob | I'm just amazed that you spitting in the beer makes it taste like this. |
| Doug | Well, I was chewing gum at the time. |
| Bob | Geez, you can have it back. (hands it back to Doug) |
| Doug | I'm not drinking that! Some guy spit in it! (puts it on the table) |
| Bob | Hoser. Hey. |
| Doug | I'm not talking to you, you just called me a hoser. |
| Bob | How are we gonna fund our retirement? Cause like we don't have any visible means of support, we're still in our parent's basement, and now we're gonna move to Florida? |
| Doug | What do you mean, "no visible means of support"? We's been doin' commercials for Red Cap beer, and our Two-Four Anniversary Special comes out on DVD later this year! |
| Bob | Oh, beauty! |
| Doug | Yeah, so we're not really retiring, we just won't be here every single month. |
| Bob | So we'll be back? |
| Doug | Yeah. |
| Bob | Okay, we're out of space for this month. We'll be back sometime in the far, near future. |
| Doug | Beauty. Good day, folks! |
| Bob | Yes. Good day, eh! (to Doug) So uh, should I pack my golf clubs? |
| Doug | What, more than one? In mini-golf, you only need a putter! |
| Bob | Geez. Take off, you hoser! |
by Bob and Doug McKenzie (and Brick's PR firm)
Okay, this article is for all hosers in Canada and other parts of the world who get beers brewed by Brick Brewing Company! Go down to your local Beer Store and get a twelve of Red Cap Ale. Not only do you get beer in stubbies, but also one of six "Two-Four Anniversary Edition" clear stubby bottles showcasing our finest hoser moments, eh! The anniversary bottles will be available all summer long, so go get some now to display next to the good china, eh!
by Bob and Doug McKenzie
How's it goin', eh? Our Two-Four Anniversary Special, which aired on CBC back in the spring, is gonna be out on DVD on November 20! This special edition will be twice as long as the TV version, and includes more interviews, celebrity hoser calls, and as a bonus: seven Great White North segments from SCTV!
![[CCIC]](../ccic.png) | CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION. |
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The Hoser |
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BobNET NewsMy main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie. |
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