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June 07, 2002.

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FOR LEAFS FANS

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed
in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow
and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and they are still dressed
in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again,
"It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply," Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from
Canada, we're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix
these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The
other people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by
the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light
jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in absolute misery,
and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."  The two Canadians reply,
"Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto
so we've just got to have a cook-out  when the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight.
Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love
the heat because they have been cold all their lives.

The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles
are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they
are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.
NOW they are jumping up and down,
cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn
up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and
you're still happy.  What is wrong with you two???"

The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know?
If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."

 

like I said before...

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March 23, 2002.

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Teacher

After the annual school photographs had been taken, a teacher tried to
persuade the kids in her class to buy a copy of the group picture.  "Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you're all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or, 'That's Michael, he's a doctor."
Added a small voice from the back:
"And there's the teacher, she's dead."

 

they're always from Nicky

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March 21, 2002.

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AUTOMOBILE RUNS OVER RABBIT

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.  He swerves to avoid hitting it, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.  The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out
to see what has become of the rabbit.  Much to his dismay, the rabbit
is dead.  The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.  A beautiful
blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the
side of a road and pulls over.  She steps out of the car and asks
the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out
a spray can.  She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and
sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw
at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit
stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10
feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and
repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?".
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

 

from Nicky

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February 19, 2002.

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Go Git Yo Mamma

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "

from Nicky

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February 15, 2002.

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Lottery

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags.  I won the friggin' lottery!"  The husband says,
"Oh my Gosh!  No kidding!? What should I pack, beach
stuff or mountain stuff?  The wife yells back,
"It doesn't matter, just get the hell out!"

Thanks go to Nicky
for our first joke entered.
That one inspired the page.

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shaggym@execulink.com
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