Note: In this document, the names have been altered and are fictitious. This affords anonymity to the various parties involved.
October 29, 2000
Dear Family and Friends,
One of the questions that has been asked (and not asked) within the Smith family is "What happened with you and Susan? You two seemed to get along...." True, and generally we still do. Over the <many>years together, we worked on many ’projects’, the most ’successful’ being the birth of Ralphie, whom we both love dearly, and wish to bring up with a sense of peace, justice, and being loved. That we are not a Mom & Dad who live together family is a hurdle -- but not beyond the ability of two loving parents. It may also be that Susan and I are better friends than partners. Time will tell.
Not only did <many> years give us a wondrous child, but it also made us realize that we were not the same people as when we married. No two people are identical, and we have each moved along a path, sometimes parallel, sometimes not, but still within sight of one another. I have told Susan my innermost beliefs, fears, and secrets, and I am about to share one of these with you.
I have a disorder which affects an estimated one in 12 000 males and one in 37 000 females in North America. Canada’s portion-about 1700 cases. The disorder’s cause is still unknown. There is no known "cure". Most therapies that have been tried to relieve the disorder have proven ineffective. The disorder has been known by a variety of names over the years. The medical profession currently terms it Gender Identity Disorder or Gender Dysphoria (literally, Gender Distress). In everyday language, the disorder is called transsexualism. I am a transsexual.
In transsexualism, the "gender of the brain" (female) doesn’t match the body (male). I have been assessed by a team of gender specialists at the Gender Identity Clinic within the Clarke Institute in Toronto. Their diagnoses are that I suffer the gender identity disorder and that I am a true transsexual. Now with formal recognition that I have the disorder, I can get on the path to relieve the disorder.
I didn’t write this to shock you, or make you uncomfortable. I have wanted to tell you of the changes that are occurring in my life. If you don’t understand, that’s OK. I have had this disorder for 45 years, and even I don’t understand all of it.
I told Susan of many of my feelings: of fear of loss, of shame, of knowing that I was somehow different, that something didn’t match. I first knew of these feelings when I was five years old, and have lived with them since. At Susan’s urging and encouragement, I have been attending a local support group for the past eighteen months. In March 2000, I started making a major push to correct my disorder.
At that time I started one of the two therapies that brings some relief from the disorder. I started hormonal sex reassignment. This involves taking a prescription to reduce the male hormones (androgens) to the normal female range and to increase the female hormones (estrogen and progesterone) to a slightly above normal female level. The altered hormones will mean redistribution of body fat (changing my "angles" to "curves"), development of breasts, softening of the skin and so forth.
When my psychologist has determined that I have adapted to my new gender role and am ready to proceed, I can apply for the letters that are required to obtain the other effective therapy for this disorder. This therapy is the gender re-assignment surgery (GRS) that will modify my male genitals into female genitals. Following this surgery, I will be a woman for the remainder of my life.
I am happier than I have been in my life. I am reducing the intensity of a difficult disorder that I have had to live with since childhood. My outside and my inside are beginning to be in step. Another way of saying this is that I am not living a lie. Although I am choosing whom to tell, and when (or if) to tell, I am taking very well-thought-about and long prayed about steps.
Two things need to be said. First, Susan and I will be telling Ralphie about this when we feel that the timing is right. Secondly, I am choosing NOT to tell my Mother about this. She is ill. Her heart is weak, and although many moms and grandmothers are accepting of Gender Dysphoria in their children and grandchildren, I am choosing not to tell her.
Some people have asked me questions. I pass along my answer, as best I am able. You may come up with your own answer. That’s OK.
Am I homosexual?
In plain language. No. Transsexuality has nothing to do with homosexuality. Transsexuality is what’s in my brain, despite my birth genitalia and body.
Does God approve of what I am doing? Isn’t changing what God made wrong?
All I can say is that if a child were born with some kind of birth disorder, and there was a way of healing that child, would you prevent it? Each of us has the light of God in us, and each of us reflects that light in some way to others.
What do I tell our kids (or grandchildren)? I don’t know, that’s up to you. The truth, I suppose. (And the truth will set you free.) More likely than not they won’t care. If they (and you) liked me before, then they (and you) will still like me (I hope). You might even find me a happier, gentler, and kinder person. Certainly I will be living a more truthful life where the inside and the outside finally match.
Please take a few weeks to re-read my letter. Pray about this. Carefully read
it for a couple of weeks before you call me or write. I ask you to do this as I
feel that it is a matter that takes some thought on consideration on your part,
rather than a hasty answer. I would only suggest that you not initially discuss
it as a group. You need to know what you feel before going into a group
discussion. I am telling all the family, some in person, some by mail. If you
can wait until <date>, then everyone will have had time to receive my
letter or visit. If you want to find out more about transsexuals in general or
about me in particular, please feel free to talk privately with me after that
date. (I have some books you can borrow.)
Think about it. Ponder what it means to be at peace with your inner self. You may call Susan and talk with her, at her convenience. (Some nights are better than others.) I am sending her a copy of each letter that I write to each family member, so that she knows what has been said.
I thank you for listening to me, hearing my personal journey. I hope that you will continue to walk with me on that journey. As I said before, I don’t necessarily expect you to understand, but I would look forward to some form of continued relationship.
With love,
<signed> Tamara
Sent or delivered to: <family>
Copy given to: Susan
This page last updated on 22 March 2009 (site moved to new server).