| May, 2005 |  |
Weather: It's gonna get warm cause all the geeks will be outside waiting in line for Star Wars Episode III and they sweat and also eat cheesies which take a lot of heat to make. Meanwhile, we'll be nice and cool in our basement watching the bootleg version we got yesterday. |
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| Vol. 8, No. 8 |
by Bob McKenzie, Editor 
-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 
| Bob | Okay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug. |
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| Doug | How's it goin', eh? |
| Bob | Today the topic is nothing. |
| Doug | Wha? Nothing!? |
| Bob | Yeah! |
| Doug | It's gotta be something! |
| Bob | It is, it's nothing! |
| Doug | Then it's not something. |
| Bob | We discussed this, it's nothing. |
| Doug | What? You mean nothing, nothing? |
| Bob | Yeah! |
| Doug | Oh well. In that case. Folks, stop reading now, cause this is gonna get real boring real fast. |
| Bob | No, no, this is like the best topic ever. |
| Doug | Take off, it's the most boring topic ever. Folks, go get a beer and watch TV or something, cause this is gonna suck. |
| Bob | So when we said we were gonna talk about nothing, what were you thinking of? |
| Doug | I thought it was a joke. I didn't know you were gonna start the whole philosophical discussion on it, eh? |
| Bob | Yeah, well I am. So. What is nothing? Um. Nothing... is the state of being nothingness! |
| Doug | Is that even a word? |
| Bob | It is now. |
| Doug | Wow, you're like some sort of professor. |
| Bob | Yeah, I'm Professor Bob. A Professor of phisopholy. |
| Doug | "Phisopholy?" |
| Bob | Uh... philso... philoph... ah geez, you know what I mean. |
| Doug | Whatever. |
| Bob | So now I'm gonna give a demonstration. Hand me your beer. |
| Doug | No way! You're gonna drink it. |
| Bob | No, I just need the bottle to prove something. |
| Doug | Oh all right. (hands him the beer) |
| Bob | Okay. See this beer? |
| Doug | Yeah. |
| Bob | I was talking to our audience. |
| Doug | They're all bored, so I'm the only audience member left. |
| Bob | Geez. So anyway, this beer bottle. There's something in it, right? It's the beer! |
| Doug | Right. |
| Bob | But what if this happens? (he drinks the beer) |
| Doug | What the?! HEY! |
| Bob | BRP! So now it's empty, right? So now there's nothing in the bottle! |
| Doug | You owe me a beer! |
| Bob | But there's still something in the bottle: it's nothing! So nothing is something. And that's my proof. |
| Doug | And that was my beer! You drank my beer! |
| Bob | You can have it back, see? The bottle's still full. |
| Doug | No it's... |
| Bob | See? It's full of nothing! |
| Doug | I think I just got hosed here. Hey, wait a minute. It's not full of nothing. |
| Bob | Yeah it is. |
| Doug | No, nothing means that there's nothing else there. But there is: it's full of air. So your proof is wrong. |
| Bob | Um. Okay, give me that. (takes the bottle) |
| Doug | What're you gonna do? Vacuum the air out? |
| Bob | Yeah! (starts sucking the air out of the bottle) |
| Doug | You're a nobk. You're gonna get your tongue stuck in the bottle just like what happened to you last month when you were playing with the vacuum tube at the dentist. |
| Bob | (tongue is stuck in the bottle) Uh?! Ah an't ee! Ah aw oo! |
| Doug | Geez, give me that. (pulls the bottle off of Bob's tongue) |
| SFX | Loud pop |
| Bob | AAWWWGGGHHH!!! |
| Doug | Hoser. I told you this topic was gonna suck. What were you saying? |
| Bob | Geez. I said, "that wasn't me, that was you!" |
| Doug | Oh right, I forgot. |
| Bob | Anyway, for a moment there, there really was nothing in the bottle. No beer, no air, no nothin'. Oh wait, I mean: yes nothin'! |
| Doug | What about your tongue? |
| Bob | Aw geez. Now I'm gettin' a headache, you're making me think too much! |
| Doug | No, it's just the fifteen beers you've had today. |
| Bob | Sixteen, I just drank yours. |
| Doug | Oh yeah. Thanks a lot. You still owe me a beer. |
| Bob | Hey! |
| Doug | What? |
| Bob | Did we just prove that there's no such thing as nothing? We really are phisopholers! |
| Doug | "Phisopholers?!" SNORK! |
| Bob | Uh... philso... philoph... ah geez, you know what I mean. |
| Doug | Oh yeah? What about outer space? There's nothing in outer space! |
| Bob | There has to be, how else would you be able to hear explosions in Star Wars? |
| Doug | Oh yeah. So maybe there really... Oh wait, I know where there's nothing! |
| Bob | Where's that? |
| Doug | Between your ears. |
| Bob | Wha? Between... hey! Take off! |
| Doug | SNORK! |
by Bob and Doug McKenzie
Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! Like now there's three volumes out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! So take back your empties so you can afford to buy them, eh!
![[CCIC]](../ccic.png) | CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION. |
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The Hoser |
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BobNET NewsMy main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie. |
Contact BobSend me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about. |
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