June, 2003 | Weather: Okay, in June there's usually lots of plants growing, including weeds. You can use beer to get rid of them, but it only works if you drink it first. | |
Vol. 6, No. 9 |
by Doug McKenzie, Editor
-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor
Bob | Good day, I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug! |
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Doug | How's it goin', eh? |
Bob | Today Doug picked the topic. He wants to talk about movies, and like I want to cook up this backbacon (holds up spatula). Go, hoser. |
Doug | Okay, this month the topic is movies, and like there's two types of movies. (to Bob) You know what I'm talking about, eh? |
Bob | Uh, comedies and dramas? |
Doug | No, you nobk! Chick flicks and action movies! |
Bob | Huh? |
Doug | I like watching action movies, eh? The more explosions the better. |
Bob | Oh yeah! And chick flicks don't have explosions. |
Doug | Naw, just a lot of crying, eh! I saw this one movie, right? And like these two chicks shoot the bad guy but then like the cops are following them so then they drive off a cliff! |
Bob | That doesn't sound like a chick flick? Sounds more like an action movie! |
Doug | Yeah, but the car didn't blow up! |
Bob | Wha? |
Doug | It just like froze in mid-air! |
Bob | That sucks! It's supposed to either blow up when it hits the ground, or like if it doesn't then they get out and wipe the blood off their faces and grab their guns and then like start shooting things! |
Doug | Exactly! |
Bob | Hey! Maybe it was sci-fi, and that's why it was floating. |
Doug | Naw, it was like a freeze-frame. Do a freeze-frame! |
Bob | Why? No one can see us! |
Doug | I can see you! Do it! |
Bob | Aw, geez! |
Doug | C'mon! I wanna see your freeze-frame face! |
Bob | Oh all right. You first. |
Doug | Okay, eh! (gets weird look on face and holds it for a few seconds while holding up a beer bottle) |
Bob | Oh, beauty. Didn't mom tell you that if you did that your face would stay that way? |
Doug | Yeah, that's why I do it. Your turn. |
Bob | Okay. (holds spatula up in air with similar stunned look on face) |
Doug | SNORK! Aw, geez! |
Bob | You alright? |
Doug | I got beer bubbles up my nose! |
Bob | Don't waste beer like that. |
Doug | Geez, what the... (rubs nose) So, uh, what were we talking about? |
Bob | Um. Sci-fi, or something. |
Doug | Right, like science fiction and uh, something. |
Bob | Chick flicks. |
Doug | Right, right. Sci-fi and chick flicks. |
Bob | Um. |
Doug | No, that ain't right! Action movies. Stuff with cars and explosions and lots of weapons and stuff. |
Bob | Yeah, yeah! And then like all that's left is the bad guy and the good guy and then like there's a big fight between them and one like drops their gun and like the other gun falls or something so now like there's only one gun and it gets kicked around and they beat each other up and so then like the bad guy finally gets the gun but then it's out of bullets or jammed and then finally there's like an explosion but the good guy makes it out in time and then like instead of going to the hospital to fix his injuries he just goes home with his girlfriend, eh? |
Doug | Yeah, that's about it. Action movies don't suck, like chick flicks do. All they do in chick flicks is cry, even when they're happy. |
Bob | You cried when you found out this case of beer was on sale! (points at case on floor) |
Doug | Yeah? Well so did you! |
Bob | Hoser. Don't tell everyone, eh! |
Doug | So anyway. Explosions good. Crying bad. Unless you're crying cause you're so happy you got cheap beers, like these. (grabs beer from case) Hey! Freeze-frame! (another stupid look on his face as he holds up the bottle) |
Bob | Explosions are also bad when it's your beer blowing up, eh? |
Doug | Wha? (opens beer) |
SFX | beer foam spraying over Doug |
Doug | AAGGHH!! |
Bob | Beerhunter! I win again! |
Doug | TAKE OFF YOU HOSER! |
CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION. |
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The Hoser |
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BobNET NewsMy main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie. |
Contact BobSend me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about. |
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