July, 2002 | Weather: Ok it gets real warm in July right so everyone's using air conditioners and fans and leaving their fridges open right so expect to hear a warning from a politician not to use so much electricity cause like then there's not gonna be enough to keep his beer cold eh! | |
Vol. 5, No. 10 |
by Doug McKenzie, Editor
-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor
Bob | Good day, and welcome to the Hoser. I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug. |
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Doug | Good day, eh! |
Bob | Okay. So like you can see from our set that there's no Coleman, right... |
Doug | No, the readers can't really see our set. This is a newspaper, eh! |
Bob | Oh, right. So anyway Doug can see from our set, and you could too if this were our show, that we aren't using the Coleman cause its July in the Great White North and too warm to cook backbacon, right? |
Doug | Yeah. Well, our mom still cooks us some for breakfast sometimes. |
Bob | Right. So yeah, its real warm so we went out and stole an air conditioner... |
Doug | Take off! We did not steal it. |
Bob | Oh yeah. We found an air conditioner. So hosehead here says "where should we put it", right, and I'm like... |
Doug | Hey, I should be able to say my own lines, eh? |
Bob | Ok, I'll let you say your own lines if you stop interrupting me. |
Doug | Beauty. So I says "where should we put this air conditioner, eh!" |
Bob | Yeah, and then I said "how 'bout the garage, cause then the cases of beer that aren't in the fridge will stay cold, too". Then hoser says, uh, you say it. |
Doug | Ok, I said "no way, cause then the old man will kick us out of the house cause we're using his electricity". He acts like he owns the house sometimes, eh? |
Bob | He does own the house, you nobk! |
Doug | Oh yeah! |
Bob | So anyway, we decided to put the air conditioner in the van, right, so we can stay cool while we're driving around and looking for beer and/or donuts. |
Doug | "And/or". Beauty. |
Bob | Yeah. |
Doug | So here's how to put an air conditioner into a van. First you take out the window. |
Bob | I don't advise smashing it like Doug did. |
Doug | Okay, that wasn't on purpose, but it worked anyway. |
Bob | Whatever. |
Doug | So take out a window, then stick the air conditioner into it. This is like a wall-unit, right? So you can jam it in there with a sledgehammer and then make sure the door closes and fill in the gap between the air conditioner and the door with like wood or plastic or smashed up beer cans or something. |
Bob | Yeah, and when that's done you've successfully installed air conditioning in your van. |
Doug | No way. |
Bob | Why? |
Doug | Cause there's no way of powering it. |
Bob | Well what about the alternator? |
Doug | Not enough voltage. So I stole... |
Bob | "Borrowed". |
Doug | ...borrowed a power inverter. You've seen them, right? |
Bob | Yeah, I have. |
Doug | I was talking to the reader. |
Bob | Oh, right. |
Doug | So they like turn the 12 volt DC power from your lighter into 120 volt AC that can be used to power air conditioners and big screen TVs and stuff. |
Bob | Yeah. He's a genius, eh! |
Doug | So anyway, I stole... |
Bob | "Borrowed". |
Doug | ...borrowed an inverter and plugged in the air conditioner and it was real cold in the van right? So we're driving around testing it, right, and it's real great cause it's so hot out. |
Bob | Beauty. |
Doug | Then later that night, Bob says "we're out of beer" so he's gonna get some more, eh! That was my big mistake, letting him drive. You know how those air conditioners stick right out of the window, eh? Like eight or nine inches, right? |
Bob | Geez. Don't tell them this part! |
Doug | Yeah, I'm going to. |
Bob | Hoser. |
Doug | Okay so like hoser here was driving down the street to the Beer Store and then he drove too close to a pole and took out the air conditioner and smashed it right and like when he backed up to pick it up he drove over it and smashed it more eh! |
Bob | Beauty run on, eh? |
Doug | Thanks. |
Bob | So anyway, the air conditioner's smashed, but we're still comfortable when we drive cause like the door got ripped out and the wind blows through the van and we can still stay cool. |
Doug | Yeah. And as a bonus the van now looks like one of those delivery vans with no door on the passenger side. Beauty, eh! |
Bob | Yeah. Except since there's no passenger side seat belt, I'm gonna make sure I make some sharp left turns next time I'm driving the van, eh! |
Doug | Take off you hoser! |
by Bob and Doug McKenzie
Ok, right now SCTV is only on in Canada on the Comedy Network. If you like live in the states, then you're hosed, eh? They were showing it, but now it's gone, so you're gonna have to watch it on tape or imagine it's still on or whatever. But if you live in Canada, then you should be watching the episodes, eh! Cause like it might go off the air here sometime too. Either way, go check the SCTV News page or SCTV: On The Air! to find the air times, or in case something changed, eh?!
CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION. |
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The Hoser |
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BobNET NewsMy main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie. |
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