November, 2006 | Weather: It won't be cold enough to freeze the pond this month so this is a good chance to clean your hockey equipment from last year. Especially considering it'll take all month to get the smell out of your equipment bag. | |
Vol. 10, No. 2 |
by Bob McKenzie, Editor
-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor
Bob | Okay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug. |
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SFX | long pause |
Bob | Hey! Say something. |
Doug | (looks over but says nothing) |
Bob | What, are you gonna puke? Did you have one too many? |
Doug | I'm not here, eh! |
Bob | Yeah you are! You're sittin' right next to me! |
Doug | No way. |
Bob | Yeah, but... Geez. |
Doug | I'm on vacation, take off. |
Bob | You're on vacation? |
Doug | Yeah. |
Bob | You? |
Doug | Yeah! I'm on vacation! |
Bob | Vacation from what?! |
Doug | From work! |
Bob | From work? Take off! You got fired two weeks ago! |
Doug | Okay, so it's an open-ended vacation. |
Bob | More like a permanent vacation, they're not gonna want you back. |
Doug | Look, I took this vacation so I wouldn't have to deal with the stress and complications of everyday life, so I'd appreciate it if you'd pass me a beer and allow me to relax, eh? |
Bob | What? Pass you a beer? What, would you like a lime in it, too? |
Doug | Would you? |
Bob | No, get out! |
Doug | Aw, this resort is no good. I'm never comin' here again! |
Bob | We didn't want you here in the first place. Wait a minute. What am I saying?! |
Doug | Welcome to Club Med... MedKenzie. |
Bob | MedKenzie? |
Doug | Yeah, it's our new resort. On the beach of a tropical isle. |
SFX | seagulls squawking |
Bob | Wha? How'd you do that? |
Doug | Typing. This is on the Internet, eh? People will believe us no matter what we say. |
Bob | Beauty. This is better than our albums. |
Doug | And look, here's Bob the waiter. |
Bob | Wha? Hey, why do I gotta be the waiter?! |
Doug | Cause I'm on vacation! |
Bob | Geez, I'm on vacation too, eh! |
Doug | No way, somebody's gotta run the resort. |
Bob | Well what about you? |
Doug | I can't, I'm on vacation. |
SFX | seagulls fly overhead |
Bob | (looking up at the birds) Geez, take off! (he puts his thumb over his beer) |
Doug | Don't worry about the seagulls, they're just looking for food. That reminds me. I'm hungry, waiter. Would you bring me a plate of backbacon please? |
Bob | Aw geez. (he starts up the stove) There'd better be a tip in this for me. |
Doug | No, our policy at Club MedKenzie is to not tip the staff. |
Bob | Yeah, well you'd probably rip me off anyway. |
Doug | In fact, waiter, there's a booger on the side of my beer! |
Bob | A booger? |
Doug | Yeah. Would you replace it please? |
Bob | What, with a different booger? |
Doug | No, the beer, you nobk! I'd like one without a booger, please. |
Bob | No take off! You put that there just now, I seen it! |
Doug | You saw it? |
Bob | Yeah, and I seen it too! |
Doug | Geez. Next year I'm going to a resort where the workers speak English. |
Bob | Here's your beer, you hoser! (hands him a bottle) Your backbacon will be a little longer. |
Doug | That's fine, I'm going in the water. |
Bob | Wait. What water? |
Doug | Well it's a tropical isle, there's gotta be water somewhere! |
SFX | waves crashing on the beach |
Doug | There it is. |
Bob | Wha? Where'd that come from? |
Doug | I told you, this is the Internet. |
Bob | Oh, right. |
Doug | So I'm going in the water. |
Bob | Okay, watch out for sharks. |
Doug | No, take off! There's no sharks here. |
Bob | Yeah, I put them there. People are gonna believe me the same way they believe you. |
Doug | Well even if you did put them there, I'm wearing my shark repellent. |
Bob | Wha? There's no such thing. |
Doug | Is too. |
Bob | Is not. |
Doug | Is too. |
Bob | Is not. |
Doug | Is not. |
Bob | Is too. |
Doug | Ah-ha! |
Bob | Geez. |
Doug | So have you seen any sharks around? |
Bob | No, but... |
Doug | See, exactly. My shark repellent works. |
Bob | Or maybe it's because we're still in Canada. |
SFX | seagulls and surf noises go quiet |
Doug | Oh, take off! You ruined the whole thing! |
Bob | What? Me? How? |
Doug | You told everyone we were still in Canada, and they believed us. |
Bob | Yeah, well maybe we need a new set of readers if they believe what you tell them! |
Doug | Oh, first you wreck Club MedKenzie and now you're insulting all our readers! You're fired! |
Bob | You can't fire me, I quit! And I'm the only employee other than you at Club MedKenzie, so you'd better get working on those beers and backbacon that that annoying guy on the beach wanted! |
Doug | Geez. Take off! |
CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION. |
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The Hoser |
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BobNET NewsMy main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie. |
Contact BobSend me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about. |
Copyright ©1997-2006 Chris "Bob" Odorjan