July, 2007 | Weather: What're ya askin' us for?! It's July, just go outside and see what the weather's like! It's not gonna snow or nothin'! Well, unless you live in a cold part of the Southern Hemisphere, eh! | |
Vol. 10, No. 10 |
by Bob McKenzie, Editor
-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor
Bob | Okay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug. |
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Doug | How's it goin', eh? |
Bob | This month the topic is Canada Day, so go. |
Doug | Okay, so Canada Day is on July 1, and they tell us that it's cause Canada became a country on July 1, 1867. |
Bob | Yeah, I remember that from school. |
Doug | It's the only thing you remember. |
Bob | No, take off! I remember lots of stuff from school. |
Doug | Like what? |
Bob | Uh. How to tie my shoes. |
Doug | (looks down) Your shoelace is untied. |
Bob | What? (looks) |
Doug | Made ya look! |
Bob | Geez. |
Doug | So anyway, in the country immediately south of us... |
Bob | That's the USA. |
Doug | Yeah, they know. But in the US, their Independence Day is on July 4, cause on July 4, 1776, uh. Something happened. |
Bob | What? |
Doug | I don't know. They built the Statue of Liberty or something. |
Bob | Oh yeah, that's right, cause it's in Roman numerals on the Statue itself. |
Doug | Beauty. |
Bob | Yeah, see? I remembered that from school, too. |
Doug | Your shoelace is still untied. |
Bob | Wha? (looks again) |
Doug | Made ya look again! |
Bob | Geez. You know what you are? |
Doug | Okay, so Canada is supposed to be a younger country than the US, right? |
Bob | Yeah, cause one was... |
Doug | But how's that work? Canada Day is on July 1st, Independence Day is on July 4th! |
Bob | But the... |
Doug | So Canada is at least three days older than the US. And our day comes first, so we musta thought of it. |
Bob | Oh, beauty, eh! |
Doug | Yeah, now you really got something to celebrate. |
Bob | Yeah, get some fireworks and blow up your neighbour's shed. |
Doug | Shh! Take off! The fire marshall doesn't know that was us! |
Bob | Oh, sorry. Uh. The neighbourhood kids did that. |
Doug | Yeah, it was them. |
Bob | Hey. |
Doug | What? |
Bob | Should we be fixing like, history textbooks and stuff to make them show that Canada is three days older than the US? |
Doug | Yeah, we'll go into the school and take a pen and fix all the books. |
Bob | Well, it wouldn't be the first time. |
Doug | Shh! Take off! The principal was never able to prove that it was us. |
Bob | Yeah, uh, it was those neighbourhood kids again! |
Doug | Geez, kids today. We never did that when we were young. |
Bob | Yeah we did. |
Doug | Shut up, eh! |
You | Hey, you hosers! |
Bob | Wha? Oh, hey! It's one of our readers! |
Doug | How's it goin', eh? We haven't heard from you for a while. |
You | You two guys don't know anything about history. Or math. You even said so yourself: US Independence Day started on July 4, 1776, and Canada Day wasn't celebrated until July 1, 1867, nearly 91 years later! |
Doug | Yeah, well, I blame it on the dominance of American media on Canadian culture, and... |
Bob | What does that even mean? |
Doug | Uh. I don't know. |
Bob | It sounded good, though. |
You | And July 4, 1776 wasn't the day they built the Statue of Liberty, it was the day the Declaration of Independence was drafted! |
Bob | Two draught beers, eh! |
You | The Statue of Liberty wasn't even built until 1886! You guys are a couple of hosers! |
Doug | Oh yeah? Well, what about John Cabot's voyage to Newfoundland in 1497? |
You | Uh... |
Bob | Yeah, or the Viking settlement at L'Anse aux Meadows? |
You | Okay, but... |
Doug | Or the earliest people to live in Canada, who would have had to cross into Alaska first but Canada next. |
Bob | Yeah, and Alaska wasn't part of the US until October, 1867! |
Doug | And Canada became a country in July, 1867. So there. |
You | Geez. How do you guys know so much about Canadian history? |
Doug | School. |
Bob | Yeah. And Wikipedia. |
You | Oh yeah? Well, your shoelace is untied! |
Bob | Wha? (looks for a third time) |
You | Made ya look! |
Doug | SNORK! |
Bob | Take off! You hosers! |
by Bob and Doug McKenzie (and Brick's PR firm)
Okay, this article is for all hosers in Canada and other parts of the world who get beers brewed by Brick Brewing Company! Go down to your local Beer Store and get a twelve of Red Cap Ale. Not only do you get beer in stubbies, but also one of six "Two-Four Anniversary Edition" clear stubby bottles showcasing our finest hoser moments, eh! The anniversary bottles will be available all summer long, so go get some now to display next to the good china, eh!
CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION. |
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The Hoser |
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BobNET NewsMy main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie. |
Contact BobSend me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about. |
Copyright ©1997-2007 Chris "Bob" Odorjan